Truth #9 - Trust

"Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth."

- Benjamin Disraeli

 

Trust seems to be lost in many these days.  Trust in the government, trust in the banks, trust in what we are told, and trust in each other is becoming rare.  It's almost a fad to say "I don't trust anyone."  Wives don't trust husbands and vice versa.  Dads don't trust their kids. Trust itself is an act.  Something you demonstrate. Not to trust someone else is to not trust yourself.  Some might say the only person you should trust is yourself. So how does someone demonstrate trust to you if you don't trust anyone? Trust in yourself is the most important thing next to trusting your god. Trust in your god is called faith.  Faith is believing in something when you don't have any proof it exists. So, truth is an act but it also takes faith. Faith that someone else can be trusted so they can demonstrate they can be.  People are afraid to trust.  It's seen as a defense mechanism.  Nobody needs to perform the way you think, you just need to be OK with it. Being vulnerable is not wrong and scary.  It helps you really feel.  We are all interconnected. And yes people let you down.  People cheat, people make you look stupid, and people can hurt you.  People also make you laugh, pick you up when you are down, support you, help you, are loyal, and love you.  You can't demonstrate you can trust yourself unless you have someone else you trust.  Trust in yourself is not automatic. If it were, nobody would hurt themselves.

Truth #8 - Workplace

"To be successful, you have to be able to relate to people; they have to be satisfied with your personality to be able to do business with you and to build a relationship with mutual trust".George Ross

Anyone who works for corporate America knows how fickle it can be. From little johnny who works at Target as a cart attendant and wants to be a cashier, to the vice-president who wants the top spot of CEO.  People bitch about how unfair things can be because this person got promoted over that person.  Or this person got a bigger raise than that person who thinks they work harder.  Bitch, complain, cry, whine, talk shit, etc. takes up more time sometimes than actual work.  You didn't get the job even if you think you're qualified.  Your boss gave you a lousy job review that you think you didn't deserve? It's simple, and this is a truth.  The same reason a new CEO comes into a company and fires all the executives and brings in new ones that he knows.  The same reason a new coach comes in and replaces all the existing coaches with coaches he has worked with before.  But they both keep a few of the "old" team.  You know why?  It's not because all the old executives are worthless.  It's not because all the old coaches are incompetent. It's because of relationships.  The new boss, coach, supervisor, lead, senior, head cart attendant, etc. has relationships with the people he is bringing in. They are comfortable to them and do things their way.  They get along.  That's why sometimes an old executive or coach survives.  They either quickly built relationships with the new boss or had a previous relationship.  That applies to everything else.  If your boss isn't comfortable with you, not only because your not good at your job but also because you don't get along well, he will fuck you.  I didn't say it was fair, but that's the way it is.  Now, i am not the best relationship builder.  Otherwise, I would be a billionaire by now and not have time to blog.  But I know nothing else matters but the relationship.  People deny this to themselves because they have been with the company since the first brick on the first store was built.  Doesn't matter, "what have you done for me lately."  You didn't like your raise because you felt you did more work than little Janey co-worker because you think your boss doesn't like you as much. Right! Now you're getting it.  There are allot of people that can do your job, people in corporate America are expendable. But people still stick around.  I would rather say "stop messing with me for a month so I can look for another job."  That would be more realistic.  Easier for both sides. Cause most people would rather fight the tide.  You will lose.  Luckily, I think my bosses still like me.

Truth #7 - Loyalty

Loyalty is earned, and it’s a two-way street. Being loyal means giving a relationship the higher priority. Simple enough—if you care about someone, then be there for them. Be true to them. Do what’s in their best interests. Based on your choice, a relationship will grow. The problem is, most people have many loyalties, including loyalty to oneself. And loyalties can sometimes conflict with each other. So it may be hard to choose one over the other. A friend once told me, "you may be allot of things but you are a loyal s.o.b."  I took that as a compliment.  Loyalty is not an easy thing.  Loyalty can take many forms but I think it's true that it is about priority.  I have, for the most part, always been able to see where my loyalty is.  There are no perfect people on this earth, so once you understand that you are able to accept flaws.  Those flaws allow you to overlook certain things that might upset you normally.  If you accept an apple as your own for whatever reason, then take the apple as a whole not in pieces regardless if parts are rotten.  Dogs are the only creature on earth that will love you more than itself, pure Loyalty. Loyalty to me is that you will stand with me in good times or bad. I have a best friend I grew up with from childhood.  A lifelong friend and brother by choice.  He has many character flaws, things I don't like, but you will never see me show my dislike of those flaws in public.  I show my dislike to him only, as it should be.  People might criticize him, but I don't even if they are right.  I made that choice a long time ago through many tribulations and triumphs, and I accept his flaws because the love of brothers allows for disagreement and dislike.  I am also fortunate to have several women in my life that love me even when they don't like me and back my play no matter what.  My queen is one of those ladies.  Although we see many flaws in each other and dislike each other sometimes, she always backs me.  No matter what.  These might be seen by some as blind loyalty, but that is an excuse for someone who has never felt loyalty.  Loyalty like trust is earned and not given freely.  A couple can be married for 25 years and not be loyal to each other.  Time with me does not make you loyal, positive words to me don't necessarily make you loyal, but your actions that support my best interest do.  But the biggest loyalty we should all have is to God and then ourselves, in that order.  So, loyalty is fluid because everyone else can change or let us down.  And as discussed sometimes you need to pick one over another.  Only you know your priorities. 

Truth #6 - Fear

"...Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” - Yoda

Fear is one of the main emotions we have as human beings.  Fear is what they call an underlying emotion.  Most people who have suffered with and received treatment for an addiction know this. For example, the underlying cause of anger is fear. The fear is the emotion that causes us to be angry.  Fear is there to protect us by warning our body that we perceive we are in danger.  The anger is a response to that fear.  It fuels "fight or flight."  Do we stand our ground or do we run?  If we fight, then anger helps us do that.  But also that fear, anger, hate can be taken to an extreme.  The fear can paralyze us.  Addictions come from fear.  I don't think I am worthy of anything or I do it to protect myself by self soothing.  Usually because there has been a traumatic event and that person can't deal with it in a healthy way.  These all grow the addiction.  Some people don't even know they have an addiction. I have a friend who is severely obese and has tried every diet in the book.  I suggested she go to a psychiatrist for her depression fueling her eating addiction.  She is also in a non-supportive environment.  She said , "I am not depressed."  For real? I was thinking.  Fear has completely taken over her.  Fear can also stop us from enjoying life.  I have another friend who wants a life partner but either sets unrealistic expectations of women or doesn't have the courage to approach nice women.  Again, what are you afraid of?  You don't think you're worth it, do you?  Hate groups are another prime example.  You think so little of your life that you blame another group for what's wrong.  Clearly this is fear of taking responsibility of your life and thinking you are worthy to control it and make it better.  I am responsible for how I handle what life throws at me.  And I also know that if I can't, asking for help takes balls and is the best thing for me.  Its easy to be angry or hateful.  It keeps the emotions away so you don't need to deal with the fear. You don't have to deal with the inner you.  Inner you? That's who we are, before that bad shit in life happened.  Most of us don't want to feel the inner person because it makes you feel the fear built up all around it and re-live some painful shit sometimes.  The problem is, when you stop feeling the fear you can't turn it off.  You can't really feel anything else.  Which means, how can you love yourself or anyone else? You can't.

"Named must your fear be before banish it you can.” - Yoda
 

Truth #5 - Evil

Evil exists in this world. Otherwise the opposite of evil, Love, could not and would not exist.  But sometimes it seems like evil is gaining ground.  I wonder why we, as human beings, allow it. Why isn't love growing? Why don't we all treat each other like brothers and sisters? I don't purposely ever set out to hurt my sister because I love her unconditionally.  Sometimes I don't like her or sometimes I make an error in judgement that hurts her, but that is never my intention when interacting with her. Granted some people don't know what love is, have not seen it, don't know how to give it to others, and that's not their fault. And there is pure evil, you see examples of that everyday, just turn on the TV or read a newspaper. That, I am afraid, we as people are becoming more ignorant of and/or almost immune to the emotions it causes.  How do we allow people to suffer?  Why don't we take swift decisive action to help?  It starts with the little things.  I hear some people say, don't give that bum money cause he will use it for alcohol or drugs.  If you believe in a god, in which I believe in the God, than you know he is always watching us.  I give that money believing that "bum" will take my money for food. I can't put conditions on it and worry about what he does with it.  If my sister needed money to eat and asked me for it (which she doesn't) I would quickly give it to her not worrying about what she actually used it for.  Why cause its my sister?  Isn't that bum my brother?  Don't we all come from the same father? The argument will be made that the bum should look for a job and pull himself up, I didn't cause his homelessness. Maybe.  But all of us are allowing it to continue.  If someone thinks we are not all connected in some way, that we all don't depend on each other in some way, that we all don't need each other in some way, than I will show you a fool. Evil and Love are two sides of the same coin. The devils greatest trick is to make you believe he doesn't exist.  Who was raping those little boys in the showers of the football team at Penn State? And people protested the firing of some men with poor ethics because they can coach a sport? Are you fucken for real?  Where are the protests against the judge that let this baby rapist out of jail with not so much as a $1 of real bail? Its easy to accept evil that men do, when men won't even blink when another man is down with no food to eat and no shelter over his head.  Cause then its easier to say that a baby rapist is not your problem too.  So what is our problem?  What the value of our stock is today?  Where does it stop? it doesn't because we don't fight back. Simple acts of kindness, especially when nobody is looking add up.  Cause God is always looking, and he is the only one that counts. Evil exists because love exists. Think about that the next time you want to do something that's not kind when nobody is looking, cause you know who else will be watching. Evil exists in this world, for sure. 

Truth #4 - The Chase

Men must always chase women.  This isn't politically correct (surprise) but it needs to happen to keep balance in a relationship.  Married , single, whatever, it applies to all men who enjoy having a female in their life as a partner.  A mans role in the chase is to be the (for lack of a better word) "aggressor."  I'm not talking about how you started the relationship.  The woman could have asked the man out, it doesn't matter.  But after the initial date and you want the relationship to continue the man needs to set the pace.  If the women is setting the pace, you are in trouble.  Yes it might feel easier if your woman decides what you do on dates, how you dress, what social functions you go to, etc. But women don't really want that deep inside.  They will not respect you.  It usually means she doesn't have confidence in your choices and she will probably cut you loose anyway.  Granted it changes as the relationship grows, because you compromise more.You will have harmony sure, but the relationship will not be at its strongest potential.  You, the man, will have a broken spirit.  I am not saying be some aggressive macho dude.  Between us guys, you must "man up." Pick the date day, suggest places you want to go, open the door, pull out her chair, send flowers, write romantic cards, talk about her, surprise her, be honest, etc.  Basics.  You are the "aggressor" because you are proactive.  That's what I am trying to communicate.  Be proactive and anticipate needs. Again, the level you are doing this grows as your relationship grows.  When you are married its harder.  You have kids, work, you have been living together, and all the other stuff.  I know its hard.  But you must do it. Don't mess up the balance.  Look its in most female DNA to try to change a guy, that's their challenge.  Why do you think they go for "bad boys." They tend to be the most direct guys with what they want and they are so jacked up its a challenge to try to change them into "good guys."  Now I have seen alot of relationships totally dominated by the female "she wears the pants."  I want to cry for the guy, cause his spirit has been placed in a bottle somewhere and sealed (along with his balls.)  I said relationship not family. Leading a family is a different ball game, more complicated.  Another truth is that as men we don't really know how to be emotional and be vulnerable.  Those are feminine traits.  However, if you are able to be sensitive and vulnerable SOMETIMES, this will build a whole lot of trust with your woman.  And I am sure she has already brought up the subject.  Do what you are capable of. Building trust allows you to press your agenda a little more.  Look you cant have two captains of a ship.  One person needs to set the direction.  Rotate turns or whatever, but the guy must have more time in the captains chair or you will just throw everything off.  A leader is always respectful but must set the direction.  Be proactive and show you care.  Its simple.  Women don't like to lead in a relationship.  They can lead the family, at work, everywhere else but in a relationship.  But again, its a fine balance between being too aggressive and leading.  That brings us to another suggestion.  Know your woman.  Again this knowledge will increase as your relationship grows.  After a year, you should know everything from what kind of socks, underwear, food, candy she likes to when her period will be and does she get bloated or not.  You cant anticipate needs if you don't know the basics.  Again, harder at the beginning of the relationship.  But again rapport is built by asking her questions about herself.  Of coarse you not going to ask on the first dates when her period is.  But you start building a database of everything.  What about the guys needs?  You forget, if the women cares about you at all (like even a little bit) she is already gathering that information.  It comes naturally as a feminine trait (subsection: practicing to be a mother).  Don't get emotional, think if you are getting what you are giving.  If you are not, walk.  Because another VERY IMPORTANT truth is this: You MUST be prepared to leave the relationship if she does something that is a deal breaker.  If you don't, she will loose respect for you.  Not good.  If you show vulnerability at that time, you lost. What is a deal breaker, that is up to you.  But it must be established before as an expectation agreed upon in the relationship. Don't ASSume anything is a given. Feelings are important to any relationship. That's why when you are in a long term relationship its harder sometimes.  You forget the feelings at the start of the relationship. How it felt and what you did.  Stick to the basics.  Be proactive.  Everything else will fall in line. The chase keeps it all interesting. There are plenty of relationships where the guy is not chasing the woman, in those relationships there is probably an even ship, but dull as hell.  Men, chase your woman always.  How much is up to you.

Women, reverse it all. You know you want the guy to lead in the relationship and bedroom.  Be honest with yourself. 

Lets come to an agreement off the bat.  Our society is built in such a way that it messes with your self esteem and confidence.  Whether you are a doctor, crossing guard, and all in between. Our society as a whole does not support and encourage women.  Can we agree on that?  Men have been in control of things for a long time.  That is changing. Now, that being said.  You generally control the family, which is the way it should be most of the time. Some are in control at work.  I have a female boss and prefer a female boss.  However, in a relationship, your side of it needs to be "give what you get."  Alot of times I see women bend over backwards.  He cheats on you, you forgive him.  That's is up to you.  But sometimes you don't even make him pay any penalties.  You are just asking to be cheated on.  First time shame on you, second time shame on me.    Men aren't clay pieces to be molded.  Can you "touch him up, " sure MINOR tweaks are good.  But you want to buy a Ford and turn it into a Ferrari.  If you cant afford a Ferrari then don't want something you cant have.  You can buy a Ford and tint the windows, change the sound system, and add new rims.  Other than that, relax. A truth (sounds simple) if your man doesn't support you, walk.  He doesn't talk bad about you, he wants you to succeed, he doesn't intentionally hurt you in any way, he encourages you...these are all must haves.  If he doesn't, than walk.  He may lead, but you can leave at anytime. It takes two.  Don't settle.  The world is full of women who settle.  I'm not saying you have 20 expectations of a mate and your guy has 15 out of the 20.  That's being realistic.  I'm talking about some guy has 10 out of 20 and you stick with him because you are lonely.  Find a hobby, and buy a vibrator, but don't settle.  Again, there is a fine line between settling and being realistic.  An important truth: People treat you as you let them treat you.  I used to tell my wife, "I didn't make you angry, you made yourself angry."  The other man women fall for is the guy you have been with for so long its just comfortable.  How can you go to 31 flavors and say Vanilla is your favorite ice cream when you have not tried any other flavors? Being used to my mattress is comfortable and keeps my sleeping habits the same.  But I know it cant be my only mattress I will ever sleep on, I know there are firmer ones, softer ones, thicker ones, posturpedic, king, cal king, twin, etc. Be open to new things. Routines are good but new is good too. Sure your comfortable you say, stay in your box then. And I am not saying change for the sake of change.  I am just saying that you should be open to change if it calls for it. Otherwise you box yourself in and think you have no options.Think about yourself. Your self worth shows and dictates what kind of people you attract.  Buy the way, stuff you didn't like about your man at first only gets worse.  You either settle and forget or pretend it doesn't really bother you. Another truth: Trust must be earned not given.  Be paranoid, trust a little at first and reward more trust as its earned.  Don't let anyone pass go and collect the $200.  They need to roll the dice like everyone else.  No matter how hot the dice are. And another truth: Always listen to your instincts.  Instincts are usually the sharpest at the beginning of a relationship, listen.  A man must always chase the woman, with respect.

Truth #3 - Monogamy

Men are dogs. If I had a $1 for every time I was asked, "Why do men cheat?" I would be a rich with money as much as I am with love. And this question comes from younger women and older women. Its a mystery to them. Its not a mystery. First let me preface this by saying I don't excuse behavior that causes you to hurt a relationship, but I understand. Let's first understand the concept of new pussy "NP." Now, men like new shit. Its fascinating to conquer someone or something, buy some new gadget, support or play sports and win, hang out with guys to talk shit about stuff (like a wolf pack), etc. This is in our DNA. NP is something new that can be conquered, all though sometimes it is thrown at you. The next question is always "...but not all men cheat?" If I say no not all men cheat, then you think "well my man is not cheating, he is one of the good ones." It has nothing to do with good or bad. Again you don't get it. You hang onto this concept of our feminine society, but men are masculine and women will never truly want to understand. Although some women I have met do get it. A friend of mine told me once that her husband wasn't that experienced when they got married. So, she said she understood that and would let him slide a few times. Mind you that might not work for you, because men need to respect their women. Whatever their women think. But in my friends mind she understands the situation she is in. The fundamental concept is that most women want to change their man in some way. That is another truth. To be discussed later (women did you think I would let you off the hook?) Anyway,NP is a new thing. New THING? yes. A wife, baby mama, or long term girl friend is a guys queen. To be loved and respected. Granted that can take different forms. But NP is some girl who in some way stimulates the guy. She is hot or smart or kind or whatever. She is a distraction. Kind of like getting drunk. You enjoyed it while it was happening, then you might talk about it when you remember it, but after a few days you forget it. Hard concept to follow? Not for a guy. Men can think of women as objects to be enjoyed and forgotten. Harsh but true. The queen is the queen. NP is NP. Now, guys might milk the NP for a while until the "new" feeling wears off and as long as they don't get caught. Again, not excusing it just explaining. The other thing that comes up is that "...I don't know what I am talking about." Sure dick. Now, there are different levels of NP sensitivity. It has nothing to do with the queen, so don't connect the two. Some guys are afraid to get caught or have not really caught the NP bug. Its like why do some people have a high tolerance for booze and others don't? It just is what it is. So, what can some women do to prevent it? Not much. Set an expectation that will not be tolerated. If he breaks that, what are the real consequences? "I will leave him" is the number one response. I call BULLSHIT. Women are so emotional it is rare when that is true. But for sure you shouldn't put your man in a position to be weak. Like when Jennifer Aniston sent Brad Pitt to go do a movie with Angelina Jolie for six months alone. Was she out of her fucking mind? Talk about temptation. Every man has a breaking point for NP. Now, having a relationship with that NP is not excusable. Cut that fucker loose. He is a bad seed. Kind of like when a girl sleeps with a guy on the first date. They might have a relationship, might even get married, but that fucker will never respect you. Another truth to be discussed, a guy must always chase the women (if he stops then something is wrong) something to be discussed at another time. Back to our topic, a guy who has a relationship with another, not just sexually, but emotionally also is a bad seed and doesn't respect his queen. He should man up and break it off with his queen since it seems like he wants a new queen. You cant have two queens, selfish fucker. Again, alot of factors in play but hopefully I have explained the concept of NP. Every man has it, but is he a drunk or just a social drinker who can say no. He probably doesn't always know. Leave me alone with someone like sofia velgara and my queen better forgive me. By the way, if you go and ask your man if what I said is true or what type of NP sensitivity he has....then you REALLY don't fucken get it and probably never will. Again, I am not saying its right, but I understand. Are men dogs? No, they are men. They are what they are. Its easier to call them dogs to excuse the behavior. Do we call a plane a bird because it can fly?

Truth #2 - Maturity

Women mature faster than men. Maybe. I have twins, a boy and a girl. It seems like my daughter is more mature than my son. She speaks more articulately, subject matter is more interesting, tries to wear makeup, tries to be mother like to her brother, etc. Physically my daughter is taller and "looks" older than my son. I think she will have that advantage (or disadvantage) until about high school. My son speaks more child like, is shorter, initiates play more, acts silly more, and likes to be babied. He also understands things faster, doesn't have fear driving him (almost fearless), analyzes things without anyone noticing he is, is more affection it, more polite, kinder, and more considerate. Whats maturity? My children will grow up in society that is more politically correct everyday. Men/boys need to have more female qualities. Need to be more sensitive, control temper, not say anything to offend. Why? Men and women aren't the same, so why treat them the same? If they were the same they both would have vagina's or both would have penis'. That is the same. You mean equal? Equal does not mean the same. Fair does not mean the same. Where the fuck did we lose are way? Men serve a purpose with everything that is masculine. Female have their own purpose. Does it change, yes. Should it be the same and meet in the middle, fuck no! Listen, I love my mother, wife, sister, sister in laws, and female friends. I also respect them. I LOVE WOMEN. But because I do, i don't want them to be more like men or vice verse. Can we have the same jobs, can women fight in war, can men cook, yes. Knock yourself out, if that tickles your pickle. Boys play with army men, guns, wrestle, its in their DNA. Can little girls do it too, sure. But don't say playing with guns and army men is a neutral thing. Don't get it twisted. Its what boys do. If girls want to do it, fine. But don't say its not a boy thing. Just like if a boy plays with dolls, fine. But GIRLS play with dolls. Don't make fun of the boy or make him feel bad in any way, but don't lie either to make yourself feel better. Cause inside you know girls play with dolls. Just like women lesbians when they try to look like a guy. Why? If you are a girl who likes pussy than fucking be a girl. Don't be a scared bitch and try to blend in by trying to be a guy. I am just saying, life is hard enough. Be true, say it like it is. That's why kids grow up fucked up, they have no compass. I am your dad, it is my job to show you the way, fuck everyone else, I am a partner in life as your parent. Your other partner, your mom, is your partner too. She is female, I am male. Mom teaches and I teach, sometimes we compromise, we very much communicate, but guess what, sometimes I go my own way. Daddy things this "xxxx" is true, your mom thinks this. Now you have both points of view and you can make a better decision. I hate motherfuckers who always bend over. Stand up sometimes fucker, have some self respect. You can stand up with respect to others. I am not my kids best friend. Tough shit kid, I am you dad. My job is to make you, with help from your mom, the best adult i can make you. Cause I wont be around someday, and you need to know when to fight and when to run. Learn from my fuck ups and what i have learned along the way. No sense in both of us making the same fucking mistakes. You must be better than I was. What is better? I will let you know. Why do I write this blog, cause no sense in you making the same mistakes I made. And it helps me remember and learn. Girls are not more mature than boys. Men and women are very different, and I love that.

Universal Truth #1 - Progress Not Perfection

Our life is shaped by the choices we make. Some would say "no shit!" But if it were that easy, I wouldn't have made the mistakes I have in my life. But I also wouldn't have found the joy in my life either. Choices aren't always clear. Repercussions not always thought out. Again "no shit." When we are young we think we know everything. When you’re older you realize you didn’t know everything. So really the mistakes you make or the happiness you find is choices on top of choices. What I mean is that whether you made the choice on impulse, emotions, from the heart, or all from the brain the choice came from inside who you are. You built the house of cards. But another argument would be that your choices as a kid weren't yours. I admit evil exists. People can do some horrible things to each other. When those things are done to a young person it changes them forever. Changes their view of the world. Changes their choices. Changes how they feel about things. Like it or not, humans function out of feelings. How that kid, adult, old person, functions in those feelings says a lot. Put up a wall, use humor, shut down, grow your anger, eat, dont eat, throw up your food, think you are better...whatever the inner you did to defend and protect you. Inner you? yes that part of you that still sees joy in things or in a lot of things and worries about you. Its strong in some and weaker in others. We are all born with it. Are they fighting for themselves or not. If you dont fight for you, who will? That child grows up and does what? More evil or the opposite to compensate? So I guess the Universal Truth is...Our life is shaped by the choices we make out of our circumstances. So don't set yourself up for failure. Think about it, how does it feel. Do you know or did you forget? Progess Not Perfection.